The Day I Tried To Live

“I should have just stayed in bed.”

I have never before or since experienced the level of soul shattering defeat as I did that day. As the events of my life flash before my eyes it is impossible not to fixate on the day I chose to stand up against my own captivity. Sentenced by Fate to a world of reclusion and despondence, I willfully carried out my sentence silently without struggle. Days became weeks which soon turned into months. It wasn’t long before I found the years bleeding into one another, and as each second whittled away I could feel my mind growing weaker and my sanity wearing thin. But one day I gathered the strength needed to rise and break free from the world Fate had enslaved me to. “My judgment is absolute and shall not be challenged by the likes of you” Fate said to me. “I have destined you to remain here and bear the weight of eternal melancholy.” “Forget it” I responded back. No longer shall I remain your prisoner, trapped here in this mockery of an existence. I have endured this place longer than my memory will allow me to remember, so long that this isolation is all I know. So mark my words Fate. Today is the day I break free from your hold on me, and off the merits of this new found strength I shall make my place in a new world of acceptance and fulfilled aspirations.” I will never forget the events of that day.

The day I tried to live was the day I left the world crippled and deafened from the screams of the broken populace. I came into that new world oblivious to its rules and as a result shattered the foundation for its citizens. Looking back now I can’t help but feel nothing but shame for the decisions I made. Like a fool I unknowingly helped to solidify the control of the powerful and merciless while I left the world in ruin, as if stealing from the poor to give to the rich. The things I did shall remain a mystery, but as a result everyone fell victim to new levels of suffering. Blood spilled from those victimized by my actions, and the streets were littered with the bodies of those who simply had no strength to persevere. The foundations of their life were slowly coming undone and their rage filled eyes were beginning to turn towards me. The masses were desperately seeking retribution and would hope to find it in my death. With no other choice I turned to the powerful begging for an act of mercy on the helpless, on those I was responsible for crippling. But my cries would fall on deaf ears and I was forced to live with the consequences of my foolishness. In an act of cowardess I fled, leaving everybody victimized to wallow in the blood and mud with all the other pigs.

The day I tried to live was the day I slit my wrist and neck to quench the thirst of the beasts. Overwhelmed with confusion by the complexity of this unfamiliar territory, I desperately sought answers to questions I did not even know existed. So I resorted to my naivety and placed my faith into the beasts taking shape in human form, begging for the strength needed to strive in that new world. It was my own determination to succeed that caused me to blindly assume I would have the knowledge needed to triumph over all adversity, to conquer any and all advisories that would cross my path. But I was the one that was left conquered, betrayed by those which I placed all my faith into. How do you fight an enemy that poses as someone you trust? Day after day I would turn to the beasts for the necessary strength to tackle the most difficult situations and all that time I needed them was just the time they needed to bleed me dry and suck the very life from my body. It wasn’t long before I realized I was nothing more than a meal for the carnivorous beasts. But by then it was to late and they would disappear as just quickly as they came into my life. With nothing left but disgrace and bone I used the last ounce of willpower in my body and reluctantly made my way back to Fate on broken hands and wounded knees.


So here I sit now, trapped once again in this prison I was so determined to escape from, confined to this garden of a deafening mute sound and lingering thoughts. Here I sit here now, a living example of what happens when you try to challenge the hand of Fate, its words forever echoing in my head today; “there are things beyond your comprehension and reasons why I need you here; reasons why you must never leave this place.” What are these reasons? How much longer can I endure this? What happens if I can’t? Questions I will spend an eternity asking, questions I will spend an eternity not knowing. What I do know is I will never again challenge the law of Fate as I remain here haunted by the events of my past. No I will never forget when I chose to defy Fate. That day I awoke the same as any other day, but I should have just stayed in bed. "909"